“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

This is a powerful verse. Apart from God we can do nothing. Separate from Him, we are not fruitful, we are dead. What a strong statement Jesus made…

It’s scary even.

Although, I don’t think Jesus meant to say this to frighten us, but to reveal the truth about our nature. We are meant to abide. Like any plant, to find our life in something outside of itself.

I have a garden in my backyard. I see my baby lemon tree, newly planted, with his roots buried deep into the earth. I see my sweet, smelling lavender bush, with her face basking in the sun. I see my crape myrtle tree swaying as she is absorbing the water from the sprinklers. They all need life-giving substances to survive… or they too would die.

It’s scary and beautiful.

Plants reflect to us our own nature. We need God, like water, or food. We need Him more than anything if we want to live.

I thank God that I can’t. God knows, I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t. But Jesus can, and if I abide, then He helps me can too.

When I can’t, I seek.
When I seek, I reach.
When I reach, He’s there.
And I breathe.

I love that abide rhymes with hide. It’s the same definition I think. We hide into God when we abide in Him.

I just hope I always remember when I see myself withering that I should not seek inward, but outward. I hope I always remember life is found in God alone and not in myself. I hope that I always remember when I’m scared to hide in Him and not hide from Him.

I hope I always remember when I can’t… He can… and it’s beautiful.

He is life and I am the fruit of His love.

---

Today, God gave me a poem. A very little one. It’s for me. It’s for you. It’s for us, to remember to abide.

If I’m the roots and you are the tree
I am the life in what they see
Grow up strong, grow up free
But never forget to abide in Me

God bless you, dearest one.

Till the next chapter,
Katya

The storm is raging all around, yet here you are, kneeling before the one in white. Face on the stone floor, freezing rain beating into your back and soaking you till you can’t stop shaking.

But He sees you and He is there.

Your tears are rolling down your cheek so He gently cups your face with His strong hands and wipes them away.

Your eyes are closed but the moment He whispers, “Beloved…” instinctively you look up to the one who calls you friend.

In the instant your eyes meet, the storm around you ceases and heat from the emerging sun warms your face.

His eyes gaze lovingly into yours and He can’t look away because you are beautiful, wonderfully and fearfully made… you are His.

He begins to speak of The Promises, His presence that prepares the way for your steps, His angels that stand guard protecting you, and of your helper, the Holy Spirit who gives you power, love, and a sound mind.

His words are like air, filling you with hope.

He smiles and you laugh because you are not alone.

But then your face become solemn and you stand, remembering your mistakes, your sins. You remember when you pushed Him away and told Him to leave you alone. You remember when He called to you and you turned your back to make your own path. You remember your choices, of the life you lived, and you look away, ashamed of who you’d become, unworthy in the presence of Love.

You take some steps back, and He asks you to wait. He pulls something out of His pocket and offers it to you. Cautiously you take it, and as you look at His gift, you see that you hold Truth and Grace in your hands. He isn’t angry. He has already forgiven you. You look up and His arms are stretched wide, waiting for you to come back to Him. Filled with freedom, you wrap your arms around Him and He holds you.

He begins to sing a song created out of love for you within this moment. The melody wraps around you and you feel Rest, Patience, and Joy wander into your soul.

He lifts you up and carries you beyond the rocks, to a narrow road, where a new journey will begin. Though the unknown is dawning, you are not afraid for you know who is with you.

It’s been a long day, you feel its weight, so you breathe and let go, surrendering what you cannot carry to your Savior.

Your eyelids begin to close, your breathing slows, and you put your ear to His chest as you drift to sleep.

You hear His heartbeat and it is so pure it speaks, it sings, it dances inside Him. Yet, it says only one thing: I love her…I love her…I love her…

With every heartbeat, with every step, love washes over you.

You are free.

Till the next chapter,
Katya

 

Beloved, you are seen.
Beloved, you are known.

There are places that you try to hide
From my face but don’t you realize

I’m there in your dark, I’m there in your light
I’m with  you in the day, I’m with you in the night

I see who you are and I call to you me
Come my darling, listen as I sing

Beloved, you are seen.
Beloved, you are known.

You are my love, you are my dream
You are my joy, my everything

You make my heart beat and jump from my chest
Just one look into your eyes and I have to confess

I’ve loved you since the beginning, before you knew my name
Greater was my love when you were filled with shame

When you were covered with dirt and grim, filth and greed
When nothing would satisfy your desires and needs

When even my touch was distorted in your view
When you hated who I was and hated what I knew

You thought being known was that I looked down
From a throne on high, with a white beard and frown

Looking with distaste on who’d you become
Ready to smite you and so you had to run

Away from me, who was evil and far
Which you thought was possible in your little yellow car

But oh my sweetheart, you could never escape
My arms wrapped around you, in a sweet embrace

I’ve held you when you kicked, I’ve held you when you screamed
I’ve held you when fear brought you to your knees

I’ve loved you when you cursed, I’ve loved you when you cried.
I’ve loved you when anger blinded your eyes

I’ve kissed you when you closed your heart to love and good things
I’ve kissed you when you thought no one saw you dancing in the rain

And I’ll never forget the day you first took my hand
When you were tired of running and tired of man

You just wanted something different, something true and real
Even if that meant giving away your heart of steel

To someone like me, who melts away stone

Beloved, you are seen.
Beloved, you are known.

I washed off your hands, I washed off the dirt
I washed away your sins, I washed away the hurt

I clothed you with garments fit for a bride
I adorned your head with flowers and held you to my side

Together we looked into the mirror at my place
“What do you see?” I asked and lifted your face

“I don’t know,” was your meek reply
“I don’t know if this is truth or a beautiful lie”

I spoke to your soul, I spoke to your reflection
I spoke into the heart of this fear of rejection

You are my Beloved, the daughter of the King
You are worthy to wear my ring

You are my equal, the love of my heart
I gave my life so we would never be apart

Come quickly and listen to only what I say
I would never tell you something to lead you astray

There is only one thing I ask, one thing I seek
That you would give all of you to me

You are like an eagle, rising above the deep

Beloved, you are known.
Beloved, you are seen.

You cannot hide, you cannot run away
I’m closer than a breath away

I’m all around you, inside you and between

Beloved, you are known.
Beloved, you are seen.

I only choose you, you are my eternal.
I look at you, my love, you are so beautiful

Come away with me, come to our place
Come to our garden, don’t hesitate

We will move mountains, we will love well
We will travel and speak of our tale

How you ran and how I chased
How you couldn’t resist my embrace

We will tell the world, we will sing our song
And others will soon follow along

Our love is contagious, it fills the air
Until all those around us laugh from their chairs

Love is funny, love is free
Love is a mystery, love is me

Beloved, I love you, I’ve loved you till it hurts
Beloved, keep your eyes open, be alert

There are many who come as lambs in disguise
But they are here to destroy the light in your eyes

Rest on my chest, listen to my voice
Remember always you have a choice

I will never force you to respond to my call
I will never reject you when you fall

I know you, I see you and I love you into me
Beloved, come, I know what you need

Lay back your head, and simply dream
The past, the future and all in between

I have you in my hands, I am all you need

Beloved, you are known.
Beloved, you are seen.

Till the next chapter,
Katya

 

 

Finding my way through a thicket of sorrow
Is like living in the midst of tomorrow

For some they navigate as gracefully as air
For others life is consistently unfair

I can’t explain the mysteries of the unknown
The fanciful dreams that are never shown

Yet the people in life make it worth living
They can bring a kind of weightless feeling

I would call it happiness, but it’s more than this
An undeserving love that surrounds you in bliss

Yes this can happen, from those around
Alas, the opposite reaction can yet be found

Despair, persecution, a knife in the back
An evil laughter echoing at what you lack

People can bring you up and down if you’d prefer
They can make you question who you truly serve

It’s funny how deceiving we can be to our own
We can proclaim we love yet let them fend alone

Thoughts escaping, head exploding
Pressure erasing, peace unfolding

When given the opportunity words are whispered
Not of malice or hate but a voice to soothe embers

For fire can be upon the tongue to consume or give light
But a gentle word spoken brightens even the darkest of night

Through the wilderness and thorns of the thoughts in the mind
Is a journey worth pursuing despite the pain of the find

Truth, just as fire, gives light and yet will cleanse
The freedom of it all is as getting a new lens

We need new perspective, as truth often gives
To understand God, people, the root of our sin

For no man is without a stain to their skin
Yet no man is without a chance to live again

I only wish freedom could cost a bit less
The price is high to live without repress

Sacrifice: carrying a cross twice your size
Surrender: placing aside all your pride

Forgiveness: of the enemies who rained down their lashes
Boldness: to walk alone against the masses

Fear: of only the God of our fathers
Hatred: towards the enemy whose deceives our sons and daughters

Time: given to further God’s kingdom
Faith: believing into the impossible seasons

Talents: so in all God may have the glory
Life: for the Author to re-create our story

The ways of this world will be always hard to understand
People and their choices, the pressures and demands

But one thing I know and to this I hold tight
God will not leave me alone in this night

He walks with me and helps me face the unknown
He guides me in truth, grace, and eases my groans

Pain is too common a feeling to this heart of mine
Though God’s remedies are always right on time

There is much to discover, much to change
Too much to do, not enough saved

Reflecting always on the things I hear
Resting in the promise of Him being near

Trying to do right, trying to not fall
Trying to fulfill the purpose of my call

It’s hard, every hour, to not fail in some way
To always get it perfect and know the right things to say

I wish God had made me a little better at this life game
Sometimes I think all I do is bring Him shame

Though He knows, my heart and ways
He knows, still He loves, this girl gone astray

Father, help me to live all that I’m meant to
Help me to always abide in your inner room

I can’t live without you, though it’s hard with you too
Though it would be harder to live without knowing you

For I know, I know, I know I have this hope
No matter what it looks like, God will triumph

Pieces on a puzzle only make sense once together
But apart they are chaos and utter bewilder

It is trust in the maker, trust in the completion
It drives us to hope in the promise of salvation

As I am being slowly put back in place
As are we all discovering our space

One day we will take a look back and see
God has made a masterpiece of you and me

Till the next chapter,
Katya

The world has a voice
It sounds like a song
But it does not heal wounds
Nor right any wrongs

Yet when it opens its lips
And begins to sing
From a throne in the heavens
Comes our glorious King

Our healer and redeemer!
The world sings as one
We give you all the glory,
Father, Spirit and Son!

The mountains stand strong
Declaring Majesty! Majesty!
They point to the sky
To the Holy Trinity

The trees dig their roots
Deep into the ground
And reach their branches high
Praising Him without sound

The birds sit on the branches
Singing their sweet tune
They sing with creation
With the earth, sun and moon

All of the universe
Is marked by His hand
He has left His thumbprint
Like footsteps on the sand

Yet the earth is not God
As art is not the artist
It can only mirror
Hosanna in the Highest

For some, it is so beautiful
They want to rejoice
But only to Mother Nature
Do they lift up their voice

What about Good Father?
The Lord who made our frame
Does He not deserve
The praise of His name?

Is He not love
Our peace that we feel?
Is He not justice
And stronger than steel?

Is He not great
Our provider in loss?
For all of our sins
Did He not die on the cross?

Is He not beauty
Our hope in despair?
Is He not our everything,
More vital than air?

Maybe you don’t know this
Maybe you do
But whatever you do or don’t
God always cares for you

He sees and loves
Who you are
To Him, you are more precious
Than a million stars

Though the earth is amazing
He chose to make you
Part of His family
Walking in Spirit and Truth

So remember this next time
You walk on the beach
Gaze at the stars
Or bite into a peach

The earth around you
Was created by His voice
It was no accident
All was made by His choice

And me and you
We were made by His hands
He made us both
Woman and Man

We were made in His image
To bring Him all glory
Together we are the bride
In the greatest love story

Majesty Majesty
Glory to the King
Hosanna Hosanna
To You alone we will sing

Till the next chapter,
Katya

I feel like my life is upside-down.

I feel like I have been picked off my feet, grabbed by my ankles and someone has emptied my pockets of hidden things, exposing the person I am.

Why is this happening, Lord? Why am I being exposed? It’s painful to see the ugliness inside.

I’m torn from wanting to hide from you and walk to you…

I am suddenly aware how undeserving I am of this life you’ve given to me.

I should be punished. I should be locked-away, not blessed with more.

Haven’t you heard my thoughts?
Haven’t you listened to what I’ve said?
Haven’t you seen what I’ve done?

I do not deserve your crown of beauty or garment of praise.

I deserve to sit in the ash.

You are too wonderful for me. You are too loving, too beautiful, too good, and I don’t deserve your kindness.

Yet, you know my heart. You know my thoughts. You know me inside and out. From before I entered this world, when I was only a spirit being formed in your hands, you knew me and loved me. You know it all, yet you love me.

Even now, as I write, I feel the love you have for me.

I couldn’t hide from you if I wanted to.

If I ran, you would only be running away with me as I try to run from you. It’s silly to think I could. No, it’s impossible to hide myself from you, for you would never leave me, nor have you ever left. My only option is to walk to you.

But Lord… I am not worthy of taking the first step.

I do not deserve any of your beautiful gifts, your wisdom, your grace, your guidance, but though I know my sins run deep, I have to walk to you. I cannot refuse what is in your hands.

I know there is only death for me if I do not go to your throne. Your hands carry my only hope. Your hands carry Life.

It’s selfish Lord, me coming to you out of need, more than want. Yet, I know you welcome me with open arms regardless of my reasons for walking to you.

O Lord, I am distressed. I cannot give you anything that could match your love. I want only to please you but I am not even a good friend to you. I’m beginning to give-up on myself, why haven’t you?

 

Because I love you, Daughter.

 

Okay Father, for what it’s worth, here I am. If that’s what you really want then, here. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m giving my life to you. I know you can fix it, make it beautiful somehow and maybe even use it to help others. I’ve only made it dirty, but I know you can make it clean.

---

Lord, as I say to you “Have you seen what I’ve done?” I hear you ask me the same question.

 

Daughter, do you remember what I’ve done? Open your eyes, Beloved and see what I have done in you. See what I am doing now.

 

Jesus…

You have healed me. Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is made perfect in my weakness. Your blood has covered every sin, every mistake, every choice I made against your will.

You’ve paid the price I deserve.

You’ve made me clean.

You’ve forgiven me.

I am forgiven.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiven.

and I have been given a new life.

I have a hope and a future.

We have come a long way together, I remember now. You have brought me through the valley, out from the ashes, and I am not who I was. I followed you and you led me to places of peace.

You lead me still.

You are my Father and you love me, for all that I am, all that I am not, and all that I’ve yet to be.

You sing all around me, songs of love. You are joyful I exist.

I do not deserve you, yet I cannot live without you. I need you more and more everyday, every moment. I need your kindness. I need your peace, especially when I’m feeling hopeless.I need your friendship. I need your hugs and kisses that are given solely from a heart full of love for His daughter.

I need your love.
I need your grace.
I need your help.

I need you, Father.

Thank you for never leaving me.
Thank you for being everything I am not.
Thank you for always having time to spend with me.
Thank you for being my Papa.
Thank you for giving me a second chance at life.
Thank you for using my life for good.

Thank  you for being you.

For without you being you, I am not who I am.

A redeemed child.
A forgiven sinner.
A hopeful warrior.

God’s no-so-perfect, but unconditionally loved daughter.

I am Yours, and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

Till the next chapter,
Katya

Can we run?
Oh Church, will we run?

Run together
Hand-in-hand
Away from the hate
To a heaven land

A place where we can discover
Where dreams speak aloud
A place to dance, jump, wonder
Where life was first given sound

A secret place
Where we can be us
A place of beauty
A place of trust

Oh, will we run
To such a place as this?
Do you think its imaginary?
Do you believe it exists?

Sometimes our dreams seem
True to the touch
Until life adds it’s weight
And it becomes too much

that we flee.

Away from our love
Away from our hope
Away from it all
To Fear we elope

But what if we ran
Towards the impossible?
What if we gave
Our weight to the Unstoppable?

What if our burdens
Were never ours to hold?
What if all the prophecies
That were foretold…

came true?

Because instead of fleeing
We faced the view.

Running till promises give birth
Running till glory is upon the earth
Running till dreams live as creation
Running till victory is an expectation

Yes, let us run.
Into the throne room we must run.

Into the place of mystery
Into the place of peace
Into the sanctuary
Where wars all cease

Where burdens fall
At His feet
Where brokenness
Hasn’t a place to be

As we run to His arms
And to His carefree
We run to His rest
Where the blind may see

For in Him we are strong
He sees in us His bride
We are beautiful creations
Made for His delight

For where a heart is
Will be found the treasure
The love God has for us
Cannot be measured

Oh Church, as we run
To Him as we do
God is more fiercely
Running after you

and me.

He runs to our songs
He runs to our affection
He runs to our praise
For we are His reflection

He loves that we are
Fashioned after His frame
We are like a mirror to those
Who don’t know His name

Can we run?
Oh Church, will we run?

If we first run
To the King’s throne
Then second we can journey
To where the earth groans

Let us not fear
Let us not faint
Let us be strong
Let us be brave

We will run
As fast as we can
As our heart
Boldly stands

Holding hands
With our King
I can hear
Freedom sing:

Run, run, run, never sway
Let the Lord have His way
Run, run, run, always rejoice
Listen closely to His voice
Run, run, run, you can do
All through Him who strengthens you
Run, run, run, God is here
Perfect love removes all fear
Run, run, run, don’t look back
You’ll have enough and never lack
Run, run, run, to only Christ
You run because He gave His life

For you and I
He gave it all
Yet many haven’t
heard the call

They sit and wait
For love to come
Not knowing He’s been
Waiting for them

The lost have been found
But they call themselves “Stray”
If only they knew Jesus
As the truth, light, and way!

This is why we run
To love the unknown
To show them a Savior
Who calls them His own

The Father runs
After the one
But He’ll use the 99
To find His son

Let’s find the prodigals
And welcome them home
Let’s join our Father
In spreading Shalom

Let us run.

Till the next chapter,
Katya

Where are my words?

Where is my voice?

Silence is all I hear, resonating inside. Like a cave encapsulated in darkness or the quiet of the early morning.

I want to speak, but nothing comes.

Where does one go to find words? My heart longs to speak, to explain, to shout, to breathe life through sound… but she is silent. She is quiet. She is mute.

She only feels.

She feels the waves of emotion.

Like an ocean, the waves come. Washing over her. Swelling and retreating. Returning and repeating.

Feeling then fleeting.

She feels everything then nothing.

She is restless.

Who knows the words to the heart? Who can speak to a voiceless soul? Who is fluent in this dying language?

I can think of only One.

My Jesus.

My love.

My life.

You are still here, this I know. You are still here, and you hear her speak through the language of feeling. You hear my heart.

You do not need words to understand, because you do not use your ears to hear her.

You use your heart to listen.

Your heart speaks to mine in the silence. Your heart hears in the void. Your heart understands in the waves.

And you save her.

You comfort my heart. You tenderly embrace her. You wrap her in your love and say, “Peace, I give unto you.”

The waves become still at the sound of your voice. The sea around her settles and rests.

She can breathe, she can think, she does not understand but she remembers now.

My thoughts are not Your thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways. (Isaiah 55:8)

This heart of mine rests in this promise. She finds shelter in her God, though His plans are still unknown to her. “It is okay,” He says, “you do not need to understand, you need only be still.”

Then, as the dawn rises from the horizon, she hears music rising from the depths of her being. The Lord has begun to sing. Above her, around her, from inside her, He sings songs of joy. Songs of freedom. Songs of celebration.

Songs created just for her.

This music fills her with life and she opens her mouth. From it comes not a voice, but a song. She sings with her Lord. She sings to Him. I laugh as my heart sings praises to her Savior.

There is love here.

There is peace now. There is grace. There is hope.

My heart will continue to feel, but will rest in the stillness. She will rest in Him. She will not fear. She will love Him with all that she is

and when the waves return

when she is afraid

when all seems lost

she will remember to lean back, close her eyes, and listen to

His voice.

His songs of joy.

His promises of peace.

For those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Father, I will rest in you.

Till the next chapter,
Katya