My Very Public, Private Book

My Very Public, Private Book

Silence is Golden

God has been speaking to me about being quiet.

Listening to His voice…

Stopping my day…

Waiting for His words…






Here I am, Lord.







Beloved, there was never a time you were without Me. Though it seemed like days would go by without my presence, I have always been there.

Waiting for you.

Beloved, I love you. Beloved, I know you. Beloved, I am with you.

Come to me and trust in me.

Fall into my arms, I hold you close to my heart. You are made by love and wrapped in love and I am ever with you.

Do not fear the future. I am with you there too. Before you can see ahead, I am there. Before the plans are made, I am with you.

Can you see, Beloved? You are never without Me. Look to Me. Listen to my voice.

I am pleased with you daughter. I am so pleased with you. You bring me joy every day.

I love how you love me.

Don’t hide from me, baby. Don’t try to figure your life out on your own. I am here for you. Even if you do not understand. The why. The what. The how. The who.

I do.


Trust me.

No matter what

Trust me.

I will never fail you.

I will never let you down.

I will never abandon you.

I am not just your father, your friend, your lover



My love is infinite.

I will never stop loving you.

Trust me. I am with you.


I love you Papa.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Till the next chapter,

I Need You To Follow You

Sometimes, I hate it.

Sometimes, I really hate my phone, the computer, social media and all the distractions that draw my eyes away from my Father.

Sometimes, I just wish it was all gone.

But would that help? Would it make pursuing God easier or would the enemy simply find something else to throw in my face?

Probably the latter.

Father, I need you to follow you. I’m no good at this. I take one step on the road, only to get distracted by the butterflies of life.

Do you not want someone more ambitious than I? More focused? Skilled? Determined? God, why did you choose me?

I love you with all my heart, but I bet you don’t know that. I treat You like you are invisible. I don’t stop to listen to You. I make wrong decisions. I ask you to forgive me, when it is already too late. I’m a mess…

What’s wrong with me Papa?

My heart wonders ahead of you. My mind plans before you speak. Yet, you continue to call to me. You continue to love me.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand You.

But I love You still.

I love how you love me everyday. I wake-up, and you wait for me. You wait for me to look your way. You wait for my lips to give you praise. You wait for me to search your Word. You wait for me to…

love you as you love me.

To love you with every breath.
To love you with every action.
To love you with every choice.

To love you with everything I am.

Father, help me to follow you. Help me to love you. Help me to cling to you. Help me to be jealous for you. Help me to wait for you.

You are beautiful, my King, and it is my heart’s cry to be completely yours.

I do not understand your love, but I will hold onto what you give to me. I cannot change the world, but I can change what I choose.

I choose you.

Today, I choose you.

Again and again, I choose you.

Have your way with my life. Be the Lord of all. Reign over my kingdom. I give my crown to you.

King of kings, have your way.

Till the next chapter,

Believe It or Not, You Are Beautiful

Hey, you! Yes, you there, trying to hide your face behind all that make-up and your body under those perfect clothes. I see you and you are beautiful.

Without all of it.

You are beautiful before you put on the right outfit.
You are beautiful before you do anything to your hair.
You are beautiful before you wake-up and before the make-up.

Now, don’t go there. Stop thinking, “No, No, No, I’m not beautiful…”. You are so amazing. How can you so easily tell this to other people, but still can’t believe it about yourself?

If I could wish for anything in the world, it would be for you to believe you are valuable, loved, and beautiful. If you believed that, you would fly.

You are beautiful, even if this is the first time you have been told so.
You are beautiful, even when you have been told you could never be.
You are beautiful, even if you don’t believe me.

I wonder what would happen if you did believe me. What would happen if you truly loved how God made you? What if you loved your personality, loved your body, loved everything?

Can you imagine…

You would walk confidently everywhere you went.
You would be happy to be you.
You would be a hero.

You would be fearless.

I want that for you. I want you to be secure in who you are, not insecure. You see, insecurity is another way of saying you do not feel safe to be yourself. It is having no inward satisfaction, hiding your authentic-self from others, all the while, desiring to be a person you are not.

Insecurity begins with comparison. You notice people, how they behave, how they dress, what they say, and you rate yourself against them. This makes you wish you were better or at least

more beautiful
more talented
more athletic
more sexy

“It is hopeless!”, you think. Everyone is much more confident and beautiful than you. Sub-consciously you believe this to be a fact and you physically respond by slouching, avoiding eye-contact, and trying not to get noticed.

Until one day, you decide to take action.

What is your solution? You try everything you can to improve yourself and appear confident. You want to belong.  You put on the armor of temporary beauty, because that is what makes you feel safe. You get your nails done, work hard to style your hair, fix your eyebrows to the perfect arch, wear all the right clothes for your body-type, workout at the gym and apply as much make-up as you need to feel good about yourself.

And for a while you do feel good about yourself.

Until, you hear your new boyfriend make a negative comment about his looks and trying to cheer him up you say, “Oh, you should see ME without make-up!” He laughs, but you suddenly realize the joke is on him. Would he still like you if he did see you without make-up? Without any of the armor? If he saw the real you?

Years pass, and most people would never guess you had insecurities, because you have learned to hide it well. Only you know the truth. The moment the layers are off, you are alone with yourself, and can hide no longer. You grudgingly look into the mirror at your reflection, and you brace yourself because the woman standing there staring back at you, she never lies.

She looks disgusted.

Though you have worked hard to look great, she stares at the flaws, the imperfections, the places that still need improvement. She pinches, grabs, pokes, and stabs. Then her face falls solemnly and she walks away. Exhausted by the disappointment. You cannot remember the last time she was happy to see you.

Insecurity is a battle. It is a war. It began with you, it is fought by you, and it will end with you. It is time for you to rise up and win this war.

Today, bless your body. Thank God for who you are. Celebrate YOU.

Every time you criticize anything about yourself, you judge the artist’s work, and remember, God never makes mistakes. You are made excellently.

I pray you would love yourself as Christ loves you.
I pray you would feel happy in your own skin.
I pray you would play with your hair because you love it.
I pray you would look in the mirror and have a smile every time you saw yourself.
I pray you would feel free to be you.
I pray you would never fight that war again.

I pray you would believe me when I say…

You are truly beautiful.

Till the next chapter,

God Calls You This

Your words do not define me.

Your labels are not who I am.

I am not my parents, my friends or some health condition.

I am ME.

The Child of the King

A Masterpiece, Made Wonderfully

I Am Beautiful.

Do you know this too?

Or are you your ADD, your Cancer, or your Hepatitis 2?

Tell me my friend. What has been said?

You say: I am a Mistake, a Burden, and Should Be Dead.

Ugly. Gross. Stupid. Fat.

I’ll Never Be Them. I’ll Never Be That.

Failure. Ruined. Horrible. Dirty.

Nobody Will Ever See Me As Worthy.

Always Invisible. Never Enough.

I Am The One Parents Warn Them Of.

Murderer. Thief. Cheater. Liar.

I Am Depressed. I Am Tired.

Stop. Please tell me, who said these things? I want to know the one who called you names.

Oh no, you say, these I already knew. There was no one who had to tell me the truth.

It was how I was born and from choices I made. There is nothing I can do now to change.

If my life is not perfect, I am to blame. Now, I must learn to live with the shame.

Truth! I say, what truth is this? I never once heard those names from God’s lips.

His words are truth. His words are real. His words are meant to bring life and heal.

From your voice I hear the pain in your heart, and how this will surely tear you apart.

Allow me simply a moment of your time and I will share a new kind of rhyme.

The title is “God Calls You This“, so listen closely and not a word you will miss.

God Calls You This

God calls you Beautiful. God calls you Flawless.

Because of Jesus, sweetheart you are Spotless.

Child. Friend. Justified. Redeemed.

God calls you the Fulfillment Of His Dreams.

Dead To Sin. Alive In Christ.

Worthy Of The Highest Price.

Loved. Holy. Accepted. Free.

God calls you Royalty.

Righteous. Forgiven. Beloved. Wise.

God calls you the Delight Of His Eyes.

Temple of His Spirit. Abundantly Blessed.

Loved From The East To The West.

Member of His Body. Citizen of Heaven.

God calls you Made to Perfection.

Confident. Peaceful. Bold. Healed.

Always Protected By His Shield.

Chosen. Whole. One With Christ.

God calls you The Love Of His Life.

So, you see my friend, now the truth has been told. May you believe these words till you are grey and old.

Never again accept those lies, that came to kill, destroy and blind your eyes.

Receive God’s love. Receive His Grace. Look into His eyes and into His face.

He wants only you, for it is you He adores. Give your life to Him and you will be the same no more.

Till the next chapter,

If I Loved You Like He

I don’t know you.

I don’t know you and I won’t pretend I do.

I don’t know what you look like. I don’t know your fears and your dreams. I don’t know who you want to be. I don’t know why you are reading this…

But God knows.

He knows what your eyes have seen. He knows who you will become. He knows what you’ve told no one. He knows your passions. He knows your secrets.

He knows you.

And He loves you.

If I knew you like He did, my heart would rip apart. It would not be able to contain His love for you. It is too great. Too vast. Too deep.

I would see every detail of your frame. I would know your thoughts. I would feel the joy you feel. I would feel the pain. I would feel the fear and hope my arms around you would melt it all away.

But you wouldn’t know.

You would be oblivious to the unending love for you.

You would continue to worry and continue to fret. You would continue to choose your own path. You would want

and need

and ask

and plead

till all that was left was brokenness on her knees.

If I loved you like He, I would never leave. I would never leave you when you turned away from Me. I would run

and sprint

and leap

and reach

ever after your heart, your life, your all.

I would tell you that you were made beautiful. That mistakes were never made when I created you. That you don’t need to be afraid because I am with you. That I just wish you would believe me when I told you

I love you.

I know you.

I love you.

You are beautiful.

I love you.

You are breathtaking.

I love you.

You are my favorite.

I love you.

You are mine.

My child.

My beloved.

I love you.

Till the next chapter,

There is A War Inside

I am in pain.

For this world.

Together, with God’s creation, I am groaning for the salvation of this world.

I heard of the earthquake in Nepal and my heart broke. How many died that didn’t know their Savior? How many were lost because of the fear or unwillingness of God’s children to travel to the ends of the earth? Could prayers have protected this nation?

I don’t know.

But it made me think of this world and how many still don’t know Jesus. How many don’t realize they are loved. How many still have no hope.

It made me think I should be doing more.

For years, my body has been dictating my future. It says it can’t handle too much. It starts to get sick if I stress. It loves to rest and sleep and drift into…


But my heart says, “Let’s go save the world! Let’s tell everyone about Jesus! Let’s love and love and love and be loved by God!”

There is a war inside of me.

And let us not forget my mind. “Ah,” says she, “but what if? What if you offend them? What if you fail? What if you aren’t skilled enough? Brave enough? Gifted enough? Good enough?


I speak unity over myself! May my heart, body, and mind come together in unity with God’s spirit!

Father, you know me. You know what I desire. You know my fears. You know my physical limitations. Regardless of it all, I believe nothing is impossible if you would be with me.

So, show me God. What are YOU thinking? What is YOUR heart saying? What do YOU say I am able to do?

What do you want Papa?

Oh! I just want to love everyone well! I want to go where you go! Lord, teach me to be still and listen to your voice. I can’t love without you. I need you to love. I need you for everything. You know me God, I need you…

I am yours.

I am yours.

I am yours.

Till the next chapter,

Story of His Children

There was a girl
Just turned eighteen
When her boyfriend
Bought her a diamond ring

He told her they did not
Need to be wed
Before living together
And sharing a bed

Afraid he would leave
She said ok
He moved in her stuff
The very next day

He was excited
And so was she
But still she felt
A little uneasy

She ignored it and
A month went by
She said she was happy
But that was a lie

He was always there
Yet she felt so alone
His touch did not satisfy
The need of her soul

She loved him and
He loved her too
But she needed more
She searched for truth

Buddhism, New Age,
Drinking tea, Eating Dhal
She felt like she had
Now tried it all

Until her neighbor
Gave her a CD
A mix of songs about

She listened once
It made her cry
She listened again
And she knew why

Her father had left
When she was ten
She never once
Saw him again

Yet this God
Called her daughter
Sacrificed everything
To be with her forever

His only son
Died for her sins
Then three days later
Was alive again

It was all for love
All for her
This gift she knew
She did not deserve

She fell to her knees
And wanted to pray
But she was not sure
What she should say

She went to her neighbor
Knocked three times
The door was opened
By a man in all white

She did not know him
But he knew her name
Said he knew
The reason she came

Something about him
Made her feel safe
So she walked inside
Her neighbor’s place

Then suddenly the man
Shone like the sun
She could not move
She could not run

He simply said
“Have no fear,
My name is Jesus”
Then he drew near

He held her close
Joy filled her heart
Understanding this was
Only the start

Then He vanished
As quick as He appeared
But not before He whispered
In to her ear

She was beloved
She was free
He loved her from now
Till eternity

She went home excited
Began to sing
When her fiancé came home
She told him everything

He thought she was crazy
It could not be true
God does not just show up
Out of the blue

He left the house
Went for a walk
When an old lady asked
If he wanted to talk

He sat on a bench
Feeling defeated
This was worse than
If she had cheated

He told the lady
His mom was a teacher
Who only wanted him
To become a preacher

She would beat him with a bible
Had so many rules
Till one day he ran
Away after school

Got a job and met a girl
Now they live together
But he is scared because
She sounds like his mother

The old lady put
A hand on his shoulder
But when he looked her way
She was no longer older

With skin like velvet
And piercing green eyes
She looked like she was
An angel in disguise

Surprised he asked
Who was she
“A friend”, she said
“To help you see”.

She touched his eyes
And he saw a vision
Of angels and Jesus
And even of heaven

Awaking he started to
Cry in his hands
The lady then
Proceeded to stand

With eyes full of tears
He asked her to stay
She only smiled
Then walked away

He felt a wave
A rush of peace
God’s presence brought him
To his knees

There he gave
His heart to Christ
Promised to follow
All the days of his life

He returned home
Loved by grace
To his fiancé’s
Smiling face

Fifty years later
They tell it again
The day they became
God’s children

The End

Taste of Home

Sometimes, I think about home.

Not a house, or a place, but the destination. I think about heaven. I think about my Father’s smile when I get there. I think about the celebration that will erupt as I walk through the gates. I think about Jesus and crying and laughing as I run to Him.

I miss home.

My body may have never been but God says I was formed in the secret place. My spirit remembers. It remembers Gods gentle hands forming, molding, and creating. It remembers the love and freedom. It remembers the beauty of a sinless place.

Until it was placed in my body.

Then it met sin. It met death. It met the world. It grew hungry and desperate and began to crave life and love and the connection it once felt.

It wanted intimacy.

Then when I met Jesus, my spirit encountered intimacy once more. Jesus reminded my spirit of real love. He reminded me of home. No longer could I live without Him.

I simply asked and His Spirit came to make a home within me.

Oh the deep love I felt. It was my taste of heaven. My glimpse of the place I belong. The One who created me was here.

He never left me.

He has always been here. Always been with me. Always reminding me of home.


Sometimes, I still miss it. Sometimes, I want to live in complete peace. Sometimes, I want to breathe and not think about time. Sometimes, I want to be who I really am without fighting this world. To truly, be myself.

Till then, I will wait.

I will have patience. I will enjoy where I live. Because I know, that same Creator who once formed the very hairs on my head, has a purpose for my life here. I am supposed to be here. I am supposed to trust Him while I am here.

So, I trust you God. I know I can because you are my Father. You made me. You made my home. My heaven. Nothing is impossible for you. I will live this life well and with purpose, as long as you are with Me.

Oh Papa, I see it now. I understand.

You are my home.

Till the next chapter,

And the Truth Shall Set You Free

It’s late.

I was sitting here praying that I would become the woman my boyfriend needs and wants, when it dawned on me that this is the wrong prayer. It’s too limited. Instead, I asked God to make me the woman of HIS dreams so that I can become the woman the world needs.

I so desire this.

To change, to mature, to grow in God. “Mold me”, is my cry. As a potter would with clay, I pray God would mold me into His daughter, the one He dreamed I would become when He originally formed me. I want to be her…

The daughter of HIS dreams.

My Lord, my life is yours. Nothing matters. Only you. You and me together forever. Remember when you told me this God? Always and forever, you and me together. Lover of my soul, you are. Lord of my life, you are. Everything to me, you are.

I love you, my sweet King.

I need you. I can’t, without you. Come God. Come with power, come with angels, come with Your glory and reign over my life. It’s yours. In a heartbeat, it’s yours. More, I need more of your sweet aroma. Your presence is intoxicating.


Free me from the bondage I’ve allowed to rule over me. Lies. Sin. Whatever it is. All choices I alone made out of my freewill. Choices lead by flesh and not by Your Spirit or truth. These lies grew roots in my mind. What was once a seed, became weeds, poisoning my thoughts with words misaligned according to Your thoughts and…

Your Words.

Help me Papa, to break free. What is truth? What is freedom? I only need a word from your lips to uproot that which strangles my thoughts.


Daughter, you are loved. Always by Me. When you wake up, I smile knowing you will enjoy another day I made for you. I delight in you. Nothing will change that.

Daughter, I am pleased with you. You are strong and wise and mighty for my kingdom. You bring my heart gladness. I love you, my beloved Katya.

I am loved
For All I Am
and all I am not
Every Single Day
for all of

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.
(Psalm 145:18)

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(John 8:31-32)

Till the next chapter,

Hey, Hi, Hello

Hi. Welcome to my journal.

This blog, this place, is made for freedom. I will share my thoughts, my struggles, my prayers, letters, and whatever else that needs to be jotted down.

I say “need” because it is really important I get my thoughts out of my head.

I either will write down what I’m thinking…

or talk to myself in the mirror.


The latter seems like I’m crazy, so I prefer to journal.

It’s cheaper than therapy, right? 🙂


Well, here we are. Me, my journal… and the random person reading my journal.

It’s okay. I don’t care if I do not know you.

You are amazing whoever you are and I hope to change your heart a little bit while you take a peek into mine.


By the way, my name is Katya.

It’s nice to meet you.


Till the next chapter,