Where are my words?

Where is my voice?

Silence is all I hear, resonating inside. Like a cave encapsulated in darkness or the quiet of the early morning.

I want to speak, but nothing comes.

Where does one go to find words? My heart longs to speak, to explain, to shout, to breathe life through sound… but she is silent. She is quiet. She is mute.

She only feels.

She feels the waves of emotion.

Like an ocean, the waves come. Washing over her. Swelling and retreating. Returning and repeating.

Feeling then fleeting.

She feels everything then nothing.

She is restless.

Who knows the words to the heart? Who can speak to a voiceless soul? Who is fluent in this dying language?

I can think of only One.

My Jesus.

My love.

My life.

You are still here, this I know. You are still here, and you hear her speak through the language of feeling. You hear my heart.

You do not need words to understand, because you do not use your ears to hear her.

You use your heart to listen.

Your heart speaks to mine in the silence. Your heart hears in the void. Your heart understands in the waves.

And you save her.

You comfort my heart. You tenderly embrace her. You wrap her in your love and say, “Peace, I give unto you.”

The waves become still at the sound of your voice. The sea around her settles and rests.

She can breathe, she can think, she does not understand but she remembers now.

My thoughts are not Your thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways. (Isaiah 55:8)

This heart of mine rests in this promise. She finds shelter in her God, though His plans are still unknown to her. “It is okay,” He says, “you do not need to understand, you need only be still.”

Then, as the dawn rises from the horizon, she hears music rising from the depths of her being. The Lord has begun to sing. Above her, around her, from inside her, He sings songs of joy. Songs of freedom. Songs of celebration.

Songs created just for her.

This music fills her with life and she opens her mouth. From it comes not a voice, but a song. She sings with her Lord. She sings to Him. I laugh as my heart sings praises to her Savior.

There is love here.

There is peace now. There is grace. There is hope.

My heart will continue to feel, but will rest in the stillness. She will rest in Him. She will not fear. She will love Him with all that she is

and when the waves return

when she is afraid

when all seems lost

she will remember to lean back, close her eyes, and listen to

His voice.

His songs of joy.

His promises of peace.

For those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

Father, I will rest in you.

Till the next chapter,
Katya