I feel like my life is upside-down.

I feel like I have been picked off my feet, grabbed by my ankles and someone has emptied my pockets of hidden things, exposing the person I am.

Why is this happening, Lord? Why am I being exposed? It’s painful to see the ugliness inside.

I’m torn from wanting to hide from you and walk to you…

I am suddenly aware how undeserving I am of this life you’ve given to me.

I should be punished. I should be locked-away, not blessed with more.

Haven’t you heard my thoughts?
Haven’t you listened to what I’ve said?
Haven’t you seen what I’ve done?

I do not deserve your crown of beauty or garment of praise.

I deserve to sit in the ash.

You are too wonderful for me. You are too loving, too beautiful, too good, and I don’t deserve your kindness.

Yet, you know my heart. You know my thoughts. You know me inside and out. From before I entered this world, when I was only a spirit being formed in your hands, you knew me and loved me. You know it all, yet you love me.

Even now, as I write, I feel the love you have for me.

I couldn’t hide from you if I wanted to.

If I ran, you would only be running away with me as I try to run from you. It’s silly to think I could. No, it’s impossible to hide myself from you, for you would never leave me, nor have you ever left. My only option is to walk to you.

But Lord… I am not worthy of taking the first step.

I do not deserve any of your beautiful gifts, your wisdom, your grace, your guidance, but though I know my sins run deep, I have to walk to you. I cannot refuse what is in your hands.

I know there is only death for me if I do not go to your throne. Your hands carry my only hope. Your hands carry Life.

It’s selfish Lord, me coming to you out of need, more than want. Yet, I know you welcome me with open arms regardless of my reasons for walking to you.

O Lord, I am distressed. I cannot give you anything that could match your love. I want only to please you but I am not even a good friend to you. I’m beginning to give-up on myself, why haven’t you?

 

Because I love you, Daughter.

 

Okay Father, for what it’s worth, here I am. If that’s what you really want then, here. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’m giving my life to you. I know you can fix it, make it beautiful somehow and maybe even use it to help others. I’ve only made it dirty, but I know you can make it clean.

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Lord, as I say to you “Have you seen what I’ve done?” I hear you ask me the same question.

 

Daughter, do you remember what I’ve done? Open your eyes, Beloved and see what I have done in you. See what I am doing now.

 

Jesus…

You have healed me. Your grace is sufficient for me. Your power is made perfect in my weakness. Your blood has covered every sin, every mistake, every choice I made against your will.

You’ve paid the price I deserve.

You’ve made me clean.

You’ve forgiven me.

I am forgiven.
I am forgiven.
I am forgiven.

and I have been given a new life.

I have a hope and a future.

We have come a long way together, I remember now. You have brought me through the valley, out from the ashes, and I am not who I was. I followed you and you led me to places of peace.

You lead me still.

You are my Father and you love me, for all that I am, all that I am not, and all that I’ve yet to be.

You sing all around me, songs of love. You are joyful I exist.

I do not deserve you, yet I cannot live without you. I need you more and more everyday, every moment. I need your kindness. I need your peace, especially when I’m feeling hopeless.I need your friendship. I need your hugs and kisses that are given solely from a heart full of love for His daughter.

I need your love.
I need your grace.
I need your help.

I need you, Father.

Thank you for never leaving me.
Thank you for being everything I am not.
Thank you for always having time to spend with me.
Thank you for being my Papa.
Thank you for giving me a second chance at life.
Thank you for using my life for good.

Thank  you for being you.

For without you being you, I am not who I am.

A redeemed child.
A forgiven sinner.
A hopeful warrior.

God’s no-so-perfect, but unconditionally loved daughter.

I am Yours, and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

Till the next chapter,
Katya